Where on earth did all those tears come from and why? I start to laugh hysterically because I have no idea why I’m crying and looking at my pitiful self in the mirror, it’s really quite funny and then it happens….a warm feeling goes cruising down my legs, oh for crying out loud, every time I laugh, cough or sneeze I leak! Did I mention that my traitorous body is beginning to droop, my hair is turning grey, I’m gaining weight even though I starve myself and where in the heck did those wrinkles come from. Why God why? Why not give this to man? Then I remember that even one day of the sniffles and my husband is crying like a baby. There is no way on Gods little green earth that a man could handle menopause. He can’t even handle me on menopause, come to think of it I can barely handle myself, especially when one of those earth shattering hot flashes hit! Those hot flashes start at the center of my body, blossoming into a full fledge atomic blast resulting in profuse sweating that what my leaking didn’t get wet my sweating does.
The one thing that helps me get through menopause is the knowledge that every woman in our solar system, over the age of 40, is going to go through this. Misery definitely loves company. Oh don’t even try to by pass this life altering event, every woman goes through it and that’s a fact. Some have few to no symptoms and some go berserk, were talking if ever there was a need for drugs now is the time. For those of you that have not started menopause let me enlighten you to some of the glorious things you have to look forward to and trust me these things will bother you deeply. I do however have some ideas on how to handle the stress you will feel as you age. Let me just say some of my ideas are rather extreme and should not be tried unless you are truly insane and want a vacation from your spouse. I have already mentioned anger, tears, leaking and hot flashes. My ideas for these are a martini, hysterical laughter followed by adult diapers or all three in a cold shower minus the adult diapers. Or you could just take drugs.
Never ever try to do a flip on the trampoline after forty! Not only will you leak but you will get pee in your hair!
Vaginal dryness is a serious problem. I recommend just buying some batteries because by the time you get to this point even Viagra doesn’t work!
Growing old is an epidemic, thousands of people are doing it every year. You are not alone, that’s a fact!
My motto is; “I’M OLD, I’M PROUD, HEAR ME ROAR!”
I could go on and on but you will have to wait for the book. In the meantime get a hobby or reinvent yourself, enter More Magazine reinvention contest, I did.
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